Hello Again

Well, here I am again, amazed that I’ve managed to write two weeks in a row, especially since I have not written in such a long time.

Anyway, here I am trying to figure out just what it is I might want to say. It’s not like anyone will be reading this. I guess it’s just therapeutic.

Last week I wrote about what I did not know, which is quite a lot, but this week I think I will write about what I do know.

The past few years have taken quite a different route to say the least. I am one of the non-vaxers. As a matter of fact, I will probably be out of work in a few weeks. I am the only one at my job who has not taken the vax. I have several reasons for my decision but the most important one is this… I know in the core of my being that if I do, I will be going against everything that is in me to do so. I can’t quite explain what I know inside of me. Call it a knowing, call it a gut feeling, call it whatever but I just know that if I do this thing, I will regret it not only in this life, but in any life I might have hereafter.

Do I judge others for their decision? No, because we all must do what we think best. Each person has a decision to make and that is called personal choice. I do think there are a lot more far-reaching consequences in taking that shot then most people even realize but I am not here to argue the debate. This is my decision, and my conviction stands firm.

I kind of feel like the odd girl out but then I have always felt that way so that is not anything knew. Leaving Christianity kind of left me in that place as well. But I knew that was a gut, heart felt choice as well. It was like I knew that if I stayed in that religion, it would have destroyed me. It was already sucking the life out of me. Do I judge all the people I love who are still in that religion? No, because like the shot it is a free will choice as well.

So many things have changed for me in the past ten, fifteen years or so.

 It is kind of like Joni Mitchell's song,

         ‘Both Sides Now’

Rows and flows of angel hair

And ice-cream castles in the air

And feather canyons everywhere

Looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun

They rain and they snow on everyone

So many things I would have done

But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down and still somehow

It’s cloud illusions I recall

I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels

The dizzy dancing way that you feel

As every fairy tale come real

I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show

And you leave ‘em laughing when you go

And if you care, don’t let them know

Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now

From give and take and still somehow

It’s love illusions that I recall

I really don’t know love

Really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say, “I love you” right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I’ve looked at life that way

Oh, but now old friends they’re acting strange

And they shake their heads and tell me that I’ve changed

Well, something’s lost, but something’s gained

In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

Its life’s illusions that I recall

I really don’t know life

I really don’t know life at all

 

That song resonates in me. I can relate to it on so many levels.

I am not sure what that means about me but there it is.